I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
it's like heaven, but drunker
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize