there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Randomize
