If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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