he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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