i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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