I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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