How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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