A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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