I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
