I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
