These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Randomize
