If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
So. Much. Porn.
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