Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
