No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
