yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
