Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
