i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
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