no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
