Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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