we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
