My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
