I skipped work to stalk him.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
