if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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