he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
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