is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
