Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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