So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
