my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Randomize
