DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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