she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
