so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize