I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
