Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
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