I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
