You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Randomize
