There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
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