I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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