Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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