I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Randomize
