I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
