I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
