At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Randomize
