so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
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