Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
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