you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Randomize
