If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
