two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
