i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
