I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
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