I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
