If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
