How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
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