even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
