My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
