Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
We had to coat check the pizza.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Randomize
