You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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