Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize