So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
He told me they were just razor bumps!
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
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