I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
