another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
