I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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