i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
